


i’m in need of a saviour (but I’m not asking for favours)

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Steve Rogers, Caring Bucky Barnes, Crying, Crying Steve Rogers, Depressed Steve Rogers, Depression, Dom Bucky Barnes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Endearments, Eventual Happy Ending, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Sex, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, Light Dom/sub, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Pet Names, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Praise Kink, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protectiveness, Reunion Sex, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Rimming, Safe Sane and Consensual, Self-Hatred, Sub Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Bucky Barnes, True Love, Worried Bucky Barnes, attempted overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 01:54:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12595484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Steve's depression takes and takes until there's nothing left. Bucky isn't going to let it win though.





	i’m in need of a saviour (but I’m not asking for favours)

**Author's Note:**

> This is about Steve's depression, it is also a rewrite of the fic I wrote about Bucky leaving. I don't know when I'll post next, things haven't been too good lately. I hope this is all right. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own no one. Any mistakes are my own. If you spot anything, let me know in the comments. Also, before anyone goes mean on me, Bucky doesn't want Steve to change. Just keep that in mind.
> 
> Also, seen as both Bucky and Steve have had the serum (even if Bucky's is different - they're both super soldiers), the serums takes care of their health, so they don't need to use condoms as they're always in fighting health and are unable to get ill. Aside from in ABO, where they do, if they're not planning for children. And if not, Steve's on the pill, though of course, that can fail too. 
> 
> This is a work of fanfiction, so please remember to stay protected, have check ups and practice safe sex! While it is your body and you can choose to do whatever you want with it, protecting yourself should always come first.

* * *

The first time Steve tried was after the battle with Loki. He found himself on the top of a storey building, staring death in the face. He remembered screaming, begging Tony to let him drop. Tony had put a tracker on Steve’s phone when he noticed a change in his behaviour and had found him just in the nick of time. He pulled Steve away from the edge, hugging him to his body.

“Let me go, Tony,” he cried, pushing at his friend. “ _Please_ , let me go.”

“No,” Tony said, his voice was shaking. Tears were on his cheeks. “I can’t do that. I can’t lose you too. You’re staying right here, with us.”

Steve had resisted, pushing Tony away, only to find Bruce blocking his escape route. “Please,” he begged Bruce, “please, _please_ , I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much –

He knew that if Bruce hulked out there would be no point in him trying. He collapsed then, in Tony’s arms and _sobbed_. “I want to go home,” he said brokenly, heavy sobs shaking his body as he clung onto his friend, face buried in Tony’s chest.

“I know, pal. I know,” Tony whispered. His arms wrapped around Steve’s trembling frame while Bruce sat on the other side of him. He put a blanket over the Captain’s shoulders and whispered a sweet lullaby which Steve would later use to calm Bruce down when he was the hulk.

If Steve closed his eyes, he could imagine he was back in the 40’s, crying into Howard’s chest. But that time was gone. And he had woken to a world of ice.

*

After that, the team watched Steve closely, he agreed reluctantly to see a therapist and take special medication for his depression. Ones that would work on a super soldier’s body and mind. When he met Sam, Steve’s world brightened for a few days, until he found out that Hydra were still at large and his best friend had been turned into a killing machine.

He tried a second time, though he could frame it as part of the mission, when he and Bucky fought in the Helicarrier. He thought if Bucky won’t remember him then there was no point him living in a world without him. He had tried that and it wasn’t worth it.

But Bucky had saved him and left him on the river bank.

*

He tried a third time after Ultron, in the peace of his small apartment he’d got while looking for Bucky. His best friend didn’t want to know him and no one else in the world seemed to understand the pain that he felt. The crushing weight on his shoulders. The loss and guilt he felt.

He tried to overdose but his body wouldn’t allow it.

Sam and Natasha found him the next morning, red eyed and crying over Bucky’s dog tags.

*

He stopped eating as much as he should, sometimes even throwing up his meals in the hopes of running his body down so much so it would give out.

It never did.

*

When Bucky came back to him and they escaped to Wakanda, Steve thought the darkness was put to rest. He had always been a fighter. Fighting to be heard, to be respected, to be seen. The only comfort he had ever felt was at home with Bucky or his mother and father. In the future, he found that he wanted to hide, the attention he had fought so hard for was no longer worth it.

He had gone into the ice in the hopes of the world becoming a better place.

It hadn’t.

And now, he had Bucky to focus on. He had to be strong for his best friend. So, he pushed his feelings away while the months of Bucky’s recovery rolled in. He smiled when Bucky remembered something and laughed at Sam’s jokes. He forced himself to eat properly, to train, to be _normal_. He watched Wanda’s magic work its way with Bucky’s mind and listened to T’Challa’s advice. He stood by as Bucky’s memories came back in hues of red, gold and blue, as their childhood and teen years cemented themselves in his mind.

He tried to draw and paint these memories for Bucky but his hands were useless. His hands shook every time they picked up a paintbrush. He felt useless.

“It’s okay, pal,” Bucky would say, none the wiser to Steve’s moods. How could he know? He was busy trying to sort through his own problems. And Steve was good at hiding his emotions. He faked smiles and pretended like he was okay. He was used to the silence. Love had only ever left him alone. The people he loved disappeared and what he was left with was ice and cold and bitterness.

He was used to it.

He put on a brave face as the final weeks of Bucky’s recovery strolled in. He watched proudly as Bucky trained and regained his footing. He celebrated with Bucky when Hydra’s hands were finally gone from his mind. When Bucky was himself, not entirely the same, but not entirely different. When the soldier and Bucky Barnes from the 40’s became one, light and dark. Much like Steve from then and now. They would never be the same. But they had each other.

Steve thought that would be enough.

It wasn’t.

*

The first time they kissed in this century, Steve thought that maybe he’d be okay. That maybe, everything would work itself out.

It didn’t.

The thing is, Steve had found peace in the violence of his mind. He had been quiet for too long and now, his voice, no matter how much he used it on missions and in speeches, was never loud enough to tell Bucky the truth.

Steve melted in Bucky’s love. He was like the waves of the ocean, crashing on Bucky’s shores. Needy and desperate for Bucky’s touch. He was like a drowning man needing air. Whenever Bucky kissed him, Steve found that he couldn’t breathe. The darkness left him alone when Bucky’s mouth was on his, when Bucky was tasting him, making him see sunshine and stars.

The darkness couldn’t touch him when Bucky held his hand and hugged him. When they talked about the past. When they went to the movies. When they went to visit art galleries or theatres. When they went out for meals or dancing. Whenever Bucky was holding him, the darkness couldn’t find him. In the dark of night, Steve clung onto Bucky, under the covers where their bodies touched and the warmth of Bucky’s embrace kept him safe.

He thought it would be enough, to just… _melt with Bucky_. To smile and laugh and be happy when Bucky took him out on dates. When they did normal couple things like watch the TV or play video games. When they went out with the team and fought together side by side. When the ice between Tony and Bucky had thawed slightly, after seeing Hydra’s torture taps. They would never be friends in the way that Steve and Sam were. But at least they could call each other allies.

The first time Bucky made love to Steve, Steve had sobbed. He was so _light_. He felt so _good_. He hadn’t felt so free in a long time. When Bucky’s body covered his own and the most intimate parts of Steve’s body were touched, kissed, caressed, Steve thought that perhaps this is what happiness felt like. When Bucky kissed and _kissed_ him, pouring all of his love into Steve’s mouth, when Bucky was _inside_ him, pressing against that sweet spot that made him see stars, when Bucky’s hands were all over his body, when Steve felt small in comparison to the man above him, when he heard Bucky call him _baby_ and _baby doll_ and _sweetheart_ and _darling_ , and say _I love you, I love you so much_ , _Stevie_ , he thought that perhaps this is what would cure him.

Bucky would ask if he was all right, give him all the attention he wanted, _craved_. He would spend hours talking to Steve, trying to see if Steve would open up. But he never could. The words died on his tongue and were screaming at the back of his throat.

He found that he sought Bucky’s skin all the time. Bucky was his saviour, though he could never say the words. _Help me_ , he wanted to scream when he said, _I love you_ , instead. When Bucky was holding him, he never felt like a burden. The noise of his mind was white. When Bucky was pressing him into the bed, kissing his skin, marking him. In this silence he was free, he could moan and whimper and scream Bucky’s name and Bucky would give and _give_.

In this space, Steve was alive. He found a home in Bucky’s touch, in the way Bucky’s tongue felt against his own. The way Bucky’s lips opened him up, the way his mouth felt around his cock, the way his fingers softly, delicately took their time, until he could take Bucky’s cock. The way it felt when they were joined, when Bucky was inside him, when Bucky was holding him, praising him, making love to him. In that space, he could sob and beg and Bucky would give him everything, make him come more times than he could count.

In that white space, that he fell into, he was _free_.

*

But it didn’t last and in the end, Bucky had to put his foot down. He had to get to the bottom of this. He couldn’t stand by and watch Steve fall apart or endanger himself, especially on missions. And it was one mission that forced Bucky to confront Steve.

“Baby, what the hell were you thinkin’?” Bucky asked, holding Steve close to his body as they sat on the Helicarrier back to base. Steve’s eyes drooped. His body was bloody and broken.

He could feel the heat radiating off Bucky’s body. His shoulders were tensed. His shaggy hair was pulled back into a bun but parts had fallen out, framing his face. They were both covered in grime and dirt, the battle had been rough but they’d made it. They all had. Still. Bucky was _furious_ with Steve. With himself. But he was more worried and frantic, than anything else.

The battle was a flash of colours and pain, Steve couldn’t remember what he had done. One minute he was staring at the enemy and the next he was face down with Bucky screaming in his ear.

Steve whimpered in his arms. Tears clouded his eyes. “Thought…the darkness would go.”

The last thing he saw was Bucky’s worried face.

*

 

When, he woke next, he saw Sam’s angry face and that he was lying in hospital.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?” Sam snapped, “T’Challa has an entire  _force_ and the team had your back, you didn’t need to go and try and get yourself killed!” 

“If you don’t tell us what’s up, if you don’t tell the _team_ what you’re planning don’t you realise how weak it makes us all, if we have no idea where our Captain is, how the hell are we supposed to do our job?”

Steve looked down. Tears clouding his vision. Angry tears. Anger towards himself, towards everyone. He hadn’t thought of that before. He hadn’t thought. Of course he hadn’t. His own team. How could he have been so blind?

“What happens when you’re hurt and we’re left out there, what happens then to all the innocent people? All the people we could have saved, if we’re too busy worrying about how reckless you’re being? Huh? Where’s your answer for that?”

Steve opened his mouth to speak but found no words could answer what Sam was asking. Because he was right. He was right, of course he was. But the part of his brain that understood that was overflood with frustration and anger and misery. He bit his tongue but he could feel, as he could feel the desperation in him, the stubbornness rising.

Steve stared at him and for the first time, the tears broke free and he laughed bitterly, “who cares Sam? Who the fuck cares if I die? I sure as hell don’t.” 

Sam’s mouth dropped open, he looked up at the person on Steve’s right, who Steve still hasn’t looked at. “ _Fix this_. I know you have your own shit going on, but  _you_ did this - 

“Sam - 

“Shut up, Steve. Just _shut up._  It’s the truth. I’m not going to stand at your funeral. I’m not doing it, so he better fix this. The both of you need to fucking talk. Otherwise, I’m done. Okay? I’m done,” Sam growled and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. 

Steve closed his eyes and tried to hold the tears back but he couldn’t. Not when he felt Bucky’s hands on his skin. Not when he felt Bucky’s lips trailing up his arm, over the bandaged wounds. Up, up,  _up_ , until he felt Bucky’s breath on his lips. 

“ _Baby_ ,” Bucky whispered, lifting his new metal hand to stroke Steve’s left cheek, wiping the tears away, brushing back his hair gently, “baby doll, open your eyes. Let me see you, sweetheart.” 

Steve’s bottom lip started trembling then and when he finally opened his eyes, those ocean blue orbs stare up at Bucky’s face and the tears flood his vision. 

Bucky’s face, so beautiful and close, it was too much for Steve to handle. To see those blue-grey eyes so close and clear. To see those lip so close but so far, to feel the heat radiating off his body, see the canvas that is the brunette’s broad shoulders, feel those hands on his skin…

Steve didn’t know what to do with himself. 

A heartbroken sob crawled up his throat and before he knew it, he was reaching out for Bucky with shaking hands, trembling all over. “I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry, I- I’m so sorry, Bucky, please forgive me, please, I’ll do anythin’ - 

“Shhh, shhh,” Bucky crooned, climbing into the bed beside him. Steve was in too much of a state to move himself so Bucky gently coaxed the blond into his arms, nestled between Bucky’s legs, face pressed into Bucky’s neck. 

“It’s okay, darlin’, it’s okay,” Bucky cooed, “I’ve got you baby doll. I love you so much. I’m here, I’m here. Sweetheart, it’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” 

“I’m sorry, s-so  _sorry_ - 

“Stevie, it’s okay. You didn’t need to hide from me, you didn’t need to do this to yourself. Why, Stevie? Why did you think you couldn’t speak to me –?”

“I’m sorry, I’m  _sorry_ ,” Steve sobbed, he tried to move away from Bucky thinking that Bucky was angry with him. “Go, you don’t need to stay here w-with me. Mess everythin’ up, I messed everythin’ up, I - 

But he was in too much pain to move much and he couldn’t fight against Bucky’s stronger hold. 

“ _Steve_ ,” Bucky said, cupping Steve’s face, “look at me. Look at me, Steve.” 

Steve lifted his eyes gingerly to the other male, whimpering at the love and protectiveness he saw there, almost looking away but he can’t, not when Bucky is looking at him like that. 

“You didn’t mess anythin’ up,” Bucky said strongly, “but you did hurt yourself. Why did you do that? Why did you think you needed to do this? To keep hidin’ from me?” Bucky’s steely blue eyes darkened. The vein in his throat was throbbing. He tightened his hold on Steve’s arm.

He was angry but he was more panicked and distraught than anything else. The thought that Steve had been so low and he hadn’t known. He hadn’t done more.

Steve flinched and closed his eyes. He tried to pull away again, tried to push Bucky away again but he can’t. Not this time. Bucky’s not going to let that happen. 

“’C-coz, I m-mess everythin’ up. Y-you deserve to be happy. Without me, w-without my p-problems. I-I’m not well…I wet the bed when I have nightmares and I have panic attacks all the time. I tried t-to kill myself and - and I can’t eat as much, b-because I f-feel sick a-all the time. You-you don’t need all of that on your head,” Steve whispered, bracing himself for Bucky’s rejection, for him to be sickened by Steve, for him to leave and never come back. 

“Oh,  _baby_ ,” Bucky croaked, he sounded like he was about to cry himself. Steve gingerly opened his eyes and found that there were in fact tears on Bucky’s cheeks. He whined and reeled away again. 

_Look what you did, look what you did, pathetic, you’re pathetic -_

“No, you’re not, you’re not pathetic,” Bucky growled protectively, Steve hadn’t realised he was saying it out loud. “You’re not, you’re not at all.” 

He scooped Steve up into his arms. He sat with Steve on his lap and rocked him gently. “You’re  _perfect_ , because you’re _you_ Steve and I love you. I’ll love you until I die and after that. I’ll always love you.” 

“I’ll love you when I clean up the bed at night after you’ve had a nightmare. I’ll love you when you have to sit on my lap after a panic attack. I’ll love you when you have to take your antidepressants, or when you have to go to see your psychiatrist, I’ll love you when I feed you dinner because you can’t do it yourself,” Bucky crooned, cupping Steve’s face. 

“I’ll love you through it all. You’re mine to look after, won’t you let me? Let me in, sweetheart. Let me look after you,” he kissed Steve’s tears away, his trembling lips, his cheeks, the tip of his nose.

“But  _why_?” Steve’s voice cracked, he looked down at his hands, tears rolling down his nose. 

“Because I love you,” Bucky said, bringing Steve’s face up to his. “You looked after me, won’t you let me do the same for you?” 

And then, he pressed his lips to Steve’s, kissing him gently. 

“I love you so much, sweetheart. You have to stop hurtin’ yourself,” Bucky wiped away his tears, “let me look after you. On missions, you gotta stop riskin’ your life when it’s not needed. I’m not askin’ you to change who you are, I’m just askin’ you to let us, as your team, do our job and help you. I’m askin’ you to look up and _see_ us. See that there are other options.”

Steve fell silent. His heart was pounding. He ached all over. He was already healing but he could feel the tiredness creeping in, the bruises and scars that would settle on his skin and mind for time to come. The damage had been done. He could feel it in his bones. But this was fixable.

Bucky’s powerful, broad shoulders were _shaking_. “I can’t live without you baby. And I know that puts so much pressure on you. But you once said the same thing to me too.”

This wasn’t the soldier. The soldier was trained and skilled. This was all Bucky Barnes, emotions that had been buried for too longer. Finally crashing on a shore. Uncontrollable. Untameable.

Steve whimpered, tears falling again, “I can’t live without you either.”

Bucky cupped his face and kissed away his tears. “Then how about we live for each other? And then, when you’re feeling a little better, you can start to live for yourself. How does that sound?”

Steve nodded.

“Good boy,” Bucky said. Steve trembled under the praise. He buried his face in Bucky’s neck. He smelt like fire burning and blood. His uniform was mostly intact but he could smell the bitter stench of alien blood all over his skin. But he felt like _home_.

“No more bein’ reckless. No one is blamin’ you, okay? But no more stunts like that. It puts us all at risk,” Bucky said gently, “all right? You gotta talk to me. I love you with every fibre of my bein’. I love you so much that it hurts, Steve.”

Bucky’s voice shook, “I’m not tellin’ you what you can and can’t be. I love how much you fight, how strongly you feel about even the little things. But I’m askin’ you to be _careful_.”

Steve nodded, he bit his lip. “I thought it was the only way.”

“Only way for what? To end it all or for the mission?” Bucky asked, keeping his voice calm. But he was desperate, he couldn’t lose Steve.

Steve fell silent. That was answer enough. The tears came again, “I love you,” his hands clung to Bucky desperately as he spoke.

“I just want you safe,” Bucky whispered, kissing his forehead. “I don’t want to lose you Stevie.”

“I can be better, I’ll be better,” Steve cried, fumbling with Bucky’s clothes. He sobbed, tears and snot and grime, messy and perfect at the same time, “I can get better.”

“I know you will, baby,” Bucky whispered, cupping Steve’s face, “I know you will.” He leaned in and kissed Steve’s forehead. “I love you too.” Tears clouded his vision. He felt like someone had taken an ice shard to his heart. Empty, cold.   

Steve clung onto Bucky, desperate for his skin, “I’ll promise to be good. I’ll b-be good. I’m _good_. I’m a good –

“Shhh, shhh,” Bucky crooned, wrapping his arms around Steve tighter, “you are good. You are a good boy. You’re my good boy.”

Steve’s eyes closed.

Sam smiled sadly from outside the hospital room. He turned away and sighed, relieved, they would be okay. 

*

That night when Steve woke from a nightmare, Bucky was there to kiss and hold him. He was there to help him stand and strip him down, get him into the bath and wash away the sweat and pee. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Steve cried in the shower, trembling in Bucky’s arms.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Bucky whispered, rubbing Steve’s back. He felt anger surging up in, not towards Steve, but anger at himself for not seeing it, anger at those who had put Steve down, anger at the world for putting too much pressure on Steve. 

“I’m goin’ to look after you,” Bucky said, “I’m gonna make sure everythin’ is okay. I promise you, Stevie.” Under the spray of the shower, he held his sweetheart to his chest.

He was there to dress him and change the bed sheets, putting in mattress covers and new blankets. He was there to hold Steve and ward away any more nightmares. He was going to be there for everything. 

“Am I still – do you still –?”

“Of course you are, my good little boy,” Bucky crooned, as Steve curled up on his chest as best he could, in their bed, “and I’ll always love you Stevie.”

It would take time. But they would be okay.


End file.
